I have the hardest time being 'still'. My mind is always in some type of motion which at times causes great distress on my body. Worrying seems to be the topic of this pounding in my head. It annoys me. Some days I have an abundance of faith in who our provider is...that everything is going to be fine...and I can actually rest in some sort of peace. But lately I have been in panic mode.
My husband has had some cutbacks in his job with the county. The first 'go around' we shaved things out of our budget and carried on. But this last assault on our finances has left us scrambling. What else can we cut out? Do we get rid of my car? I'm working hard with sewing and my jewelry designs and while that does bring money in...it's not weekly. I applied for a job which I was HIGHLY qualified for and was rejected. So my mind begins to whirl....maybe it just wasn't right for me....or they didn't like me...blah...blah...blah...I am trying to fix this. Maybe the key would is 'I'. I want to make the ends meet. But there may be another way of provision that I am not seeing because I am too busy freaking out.
I don't know how to 'be still' to 'just breathe'. So I decided to take inventory. In my freaked out state I became unthankful for what has been given to me and instead focused on the the breach and how I was going to fill it...I need to purpose myself to be thankful in all things and in this know that God doesn't need my help but wants me to be obedient...including to "Be still and KNOW that I am God." I don't use the term as a band-aid...that will be painfully yanked off before it's time...but rather desire with all that is in me to make it a lifestyle. To always know that He has my back. He cares about the bills, the rising gas costs, the groceries and the mortgage. If I shut up long enough I may be able to hear His quiet roar on our behalf.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
To Snub or Not to Snub...
I've been making jewelry for several years now but not until recently did I notice a snobbery among the artists. I had begun to feel like that little girl on the playground with no friends to play with. Maybe I just haven't 'gotton there' yet with my style and abilities...but I know this isn't the case and do I really want to be 'like' them? Or do I want to be myself...the way I am created to create? After all isn't art all about our own take on things? Our own impressions of the world around us and how we create what we see?
I like what I create...better yet...I love what I create. I have so much fun while I do what I do. I dream about it, I hammer it out, torch it, solder it, polish it, resin it, drill it, saw it, punch it....and the end result... I sell it! Maybe I get too focused on those who have their noses in the air and I need to look at it differently. The hundreds who buy my work are more important than the ones who can't see past themselves.
I recently joined Redding Handmade and it has proven to be an encouraging decision for me. I am accepted there. I learn so much and have found that I have helped others to learn, too. There are artists in all kinds of areas as well as skill levels and yet there is a real sense of community among them.
I love to share ideas for new designs and to share resources...and have found that this group is of the same mind. It's not about territory. It's about helping each other excel in our businesses. We want the best for each other and rejoice when one rejoices...I needed that.
I like what I create...better yet...I love what I create. I have so much fun while I do what I do. I dream about it, I hammer it out, torch it, solder it, polish it, resin it, drill it, saw it, punch it....and the end result... I sell it! Maybe I get too focused on those who have their noses in the air and I need to look at it differently. The hundreds who buy my work are more important than the ones who can't see past themselves.
I recently joined Redding Handmade and it has proven to be an encouraging decision for me. I am accepted there. I learn so much and have found that I have helped others to learn, too. There are artists in all kinds of areas as well as skill levels and yet there is a real sense of community among them.
I love to share ideas for new designs and to share resources...and have found that this group is of the same mind. It's not about territory. It's about helping each other excel in our businesses. We want the best for each other and rejoice when one rejoices...I needed that.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
My Kitchen is Now Closed
Kitchen is CLOSED
Category: Life
The kitchen is now closed. For a year or more I have been making and caring for a pot of stew. Yes, the SAME pot.
The ingredients are vile to a child of God...poison to the spirit. I had thought that other people had put these things in the pot but I can see now that it was me, alone.
I shopped for, chose and purchased the very ingredients that would harm me from the start. Just handling them is toxic let alone bringing them into my home and eating them.
I kept the flame high as I simmered this stew. I would add things to it for appearance and for taste. Sometimes I could walk away and forget about it for a time...days. Other times I would have a taste test several times a day and then every once in while...ladle a big bowl for myself and sit down alone at the table and savor every last bite. Poisoning myself.
The recipe is common knowledge. It can appear to be easy to make but really it takes an enormous amount of effort to purchase, prepare and maintain this stew. I have seen some pots of stew as old as 25 years. Here is goes... Bitter onion, rancid meat of unforgiveness, heaping spoonfuls of offense, chopped up self righteousness, sliced betrayal, sprinkled with gossip. Let stew for a while then add hatred, strife, denial of responsibility and unbelief. Self loathing will be added next with worthlessness and anger to follow. Stir often. Often. Often. Taste test till you make yourself sick.
Easy recipe? Might think that when you are in the thick of it. Might feel justified. Might feel vindicated. Might feel like you deserve it.
But one day you will serve yourself a big bowl of it. Settle down in your favorite chair with a big spoon. Then you make a mistake...you give thanks for what you are about to partake. God sits down beside you. Opens your eyes. The stew that you have been caring for all this time makes you nauseous. He begins to show you what you have done. The faces of the people who you have hurt. He shows you your thoughts...your very heart. You at first deny everything. Pointing fingers. Placing blame. You know what He wants you to do. Dump it all out. All of it. "But it cost so much"...you tell him..."can't I freeze some for later?" "Dump it all out"...He says. "I know the price." Then He opens his hands. You see his scars. Reminds you He is your father and they are you brothers and sisters. You begin to be sick and run to the sink and begin to pour the stew down the garbage disposal. It clogs and chokes. You run the water. Then you fall on your face and repent and ask.."How do I repair this?" he answers "The conversation starts with...I am sorry please forgive me.".
Category: Life
The kitchen is now closed. For a year or more I have been making and caring for a pot of stew. Yes, the SAME pot.
The ingredients are vile to a child of God...poison to the spirit. I had thought that other people had put these things in the pot but I can see now that it was me, alone.
I shopped for, chose and purchased the very ingredients that would harm me from the start. Just handling them is toxic let alone bringing them into my home and eating them.
I kept the flame high as I simmered this stew. I would add things to it for appearance and for taste. Sometimes I could walk away and forget about it for a time...days. Other times I would have a taste test several times a day and then every once in while...ladle a big bowl for myself and sit down alone at the table and savor every last bite. Poisoning myself.
The recipe is common knowledge. It can appear to be easy to make but really it takes an enormous amount of effort to purchase, prepare and maintain this stew. I have seen some pots of stew as old as 25 years. Here is goes... Bitter onion, rancid meat of unforgiveness, heaping spoonfuls of offense, chopped up self righteousness, sliced betrayal, sprinkled with gossip. Let stew for a while then add hatred, strife, denial of responsibility and unbelief. Self loathing will be added next with worthlessness and anger to follow. Stir often. Often. Often. Taste test till you make yourself sick.
Easy recipe? Might think that when you are in the thick of it. Might feel justified. Might feel vindicated. Might feel like you deserve it.
But one day you will serve yourself a big bowl of it. Settle down in your favorite chair with a big spoon. Then you make a mistake...you give thanks for what you are about to partake. God sits down beside you. Opens your eyes. The stew that you have been caring for all this time makes you nauseous. He begins to show you what you have done. The faces of the people who you have hurt. He shows you your thoughts...your very heart. You at first deny everything. Pointing fingers. Placing blame. You know what He wants you to do. Dump it all out. All of it. "But it cost so much"...you tell him..."can't I freeze some for later?" "Dump it all out"...He says. "I know the price." Then He opens his hands. You see his scars. Reminds you He is your father and they are you brothers and sisters. You begin to be sick and run to the sink and begin to pour the stew down the garbage disposal. It clogs and chokes. You run the water. Then you fall on your face and repent and ask.."How do I repair this?" he answers "The conversation starts with...I am sorry please forgive me.".
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Re Gift?
I gave a gift to someone this Christmas and they were disappointed in what they unwrapped. My heart turned inside me as I watched the expression of this persons face. I had put some thought into the gift and quickly shared in the disappointment. Was it unthankfulness on their part? Lack of understanding?
Later, I reasoned with myself about the incident. A gift is a GIFT. I don't OWE it to someone. I gave it from my heart. But what if it's received with less than gratitude? Did I give it so that I would be praised and thanked or did I give it out of love? Did the gift "fit" that person? Even if they don't understand that "fit" yet?
My mind quickly moved to the gifts that I have been given. Mainly by my Creator. I am thankful for the skills and talents that He has blessed me with BUT sad to say....I haven't always been. I would look at other women and wish I had what they had...do what they could do...BE more like them...look like them...create like them...not understanding that the gifts I was given were designed just for me. I wanted to re-gift. I didn't understand the "fit" yet. I had to develop and use my gifts to see and enjoy the "fit".
I believe we are given new gifts all the time...we just need to open our creative and spiritual eyes. Not be so quick to toss things away. Ponder, maybe even set on the shelf for just a bit and wait and see what need will arise that you can use this gift.
During the Homespun Fair, an older woman came into my booth and was looking at the silver ball chains that held my pendants. She asked me if they were strong. Thinking that she was asking me if they would hold the chunky pendants that I made I told her that I had never had one break. She asked if she could just buy a chain. I said "yes" and begin to think about how much to charge her. I removed the chain from a pendant and took it to her and as I did I was impressed to 'give' it to her. While I was holding the chain she began to dig around in her purse and pulled out 2 little silver toe rings. She told me they represented two loved ones who had died (one of them being her daughter) and she had not been able to wear them for a long time. She handed me the rings and I slid them on the chain and placed it around her neck. She asked "How much?" and I answered "Nothing. It's a gift."
She burst out in tears. Buried her face in her hands and sobbed. I touched her shoulder. I hadn't been prepared for her reaction, after all, the chain had cost me so little. She told me that she didn't know what to say and clutched the rings in her hand. I said she didn't need to say anything and go have a blessed day. She walked away with the little gift I gave her....but I knew it was SHE who gave me the bigger gift.
My empathy for people who are hurting often causes me great pain. But I see it as a gift. It fits me. I won't re-gift it.
As Christmas day continued on, the gift I gave began to show it's worth to the disappointed person. They saw the 'fit' and as they used it...became very thankful...
Later, I reasoned with myself about the incident. A gift is a GIFT. I don't OWE it to someone. I gave it from my heart. But what if it's received with less than gratitude? Did I give it so that I would be praised and thanked or did I give it out of love? Did the gift "fit" that person? Even if they don't understand that "fit" yet?
My mind quickly moved to the gifts that I have been given. Mainly by my Creator. I am thankful for the skills and talents that He has blessed me with BUT sad to say....I haven't always been. I would look at other women and wish I had what they had...do what they could do...BE more like them...look like them...create like them...not understanding that the gifts I was given were designed just for me. I wanted to re-gift. I didn't understand the "fit" yet. I had to develop and use my gifts to see and enjoy the "fit".
I believe we are given new gifts all the time...we just need to open our creative and spiritual eyes. Not be so quick to toss things away. Ponder, maybe even set on the shelf for just a bit and wait and see what need will arise that you can use this gift.
During the Homespun Fair, an older woman came into my booth and was looking at the silver ball chains that held my pendants. She asked me if they were strong. Thinking that she was asking me if they would hold the chunky pendants that I made I told her that I had never had one break. She asked if she could just buy a chain. I said "yes" and begin to think about how much to charge her. I removed the chain from a pendant and took it to her and as I did I was impressed to 'give' it to her. While I was holding the chain she began to dig around in her purse and pulled out 2 little silver toe rings. She told me they represented two loved ones who had died (one of them being her daughter) and she had not been able to wear them for a long time. She handed me the rings and I slid them on the chain and placed it around her neck. She asked "How much?" and I answered "Nothing. It's a gift."
She burst out in tears. Buried her face in her hands and sobbed. I touched her shoulder. I hadn't been prepared for her reaction, after all, the chain had cost me so little. She told me that she didn't know what to say and clutched the rings in her hand. I said she didn't need to say anything and go have a blessed day. She walked away with the little gift I gave her....but I knew it was SHE who gave me the bigger gift.
My empathy for people who are hurting often causes me great pain. But I see it as a gift. It fits me. I won't re-gift it.
As Christmas day continued on, the gift I gave began to show it's worth to the disappointed person. They saw the 'fit' and as they used it...became very thankful...
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Little Eyes...
My son watches me. Both the good and bad....he takes it all in forming his opinions of his relationship with me and the world around him. The things that I love...he loves. This is why I am purposeful in my faith, deeds and things that come out of my very vocal mouth.
I teach Art at the Ymca. My son goes with me and when class is done he plays for a while with the other children. He and another little boy where playing with a doll house. They had turned it into a war zone and were protecting the women and children in the house. I listened to all the sound effects and the dialog between these two young heros while I was putting everything away and to my horror I heard one of the teachers say to him, "Well, you're just an evil little boy aren't you?" I was livid. I used a great amount of self control and gently corrected her. She told me she was there to 'practice' for when she has her own kids....keep practicing lady. The world will speak stupid things to our children soon enough. I talked to him later about what she had said. I told him that he wasn't evil and talked about all the wonderful qualities that make him who he is... loving, good friend, protector, creative, sweet son, etc.
A friend and I feed the homeless every weekend. We load up red wagons and walk downtown, the skate park and other areas. Sometimes I take my boy with me. He is moved at what he sees. The poverty and brokenness of the people has made an impression on him. He has compassion. He watches us and follows suit.
My relatives run a soup kitchen in Burney and we head to the mountains a couple of times a month to serve. Sam likes to go and hangs out in the thrift store that helps fund the kitchen. This week though, he asked me if he could serve the food. I had him glove up and he jumped right in...I watched him recite the menu to each person and ask them what they would like to eat and then pick up a plate and begin to dish up the food. He carried on conversations with the people and smiled as he handed them their plates. A while later he walked out into the dining room and began asking the people if they enjoyed the food and how did it taste. I was so proud of him. He watches. He listens. He acts.
How I treat people is how he treats people. I am increasingly aware of this. There are a few choice words I use when I am irritated (not cuss words)...but words my momma would frown at ;)...I heard him using my language on his dog the other day and made a mental note. He watches and listens.
I need to make every moment count. I need to watch my words. I need to be aware of what he sees and not just when he is watching me. Too soon he will grown and my job of setting his feet on the right path will be done and then I will get to watch HIM and listen to HIM. I have no doubt that he will be a wonderful man full of his faith and compassion for others. Not because of me...but because of WHO we serve and how we serve.
I teach Art at the Ymca. My son goes with me and when class is done he plays for a while with the other children. He and another little boy where playing with a doll house. They had turned it into a war zone and were protecting the women and children in the house. I listened to all the sound effects and the dialog between these two young heros while I was putting everything away and to my horror I heard one of the teachers say to him, "Well, you're just an evil little boy aren't you?" I was livid. I used a great amount of self control and gently corrected her. She told me she was there to 'practice' for when she has her own kids....keep practicing lady. The world will speak stupid things to our children soon enough. I talked to him later about what she had said. I told him that he wasn't evil and talked about all the wonderful qualities that make him who he is... loving, good friend, protector, creative, sweet son, etc.
A friend and I feed the homeless every weekend. We load up red wagons and walk downtown, the skate park and other areas. Sometimes I take my boy with me. He is moved at what he sees. The poverty and brokenness of the people has made an impression on him. He has compassion. He watches us and follows suit.
 |
| Serving homemade pizza... |
My relatives run a soup kitchen in Burney and we head to the mountains a couple of times a month to serve. Sam likes to go and hangs out in the thrift store that helps fund the kitchen. This week though, he asked me if he could serve the food. I had him glove up and he jumped right in...I watched him recite the menu to each person and ask them what they would like to eat and then pick up a plate and begin to dish up the food. He carried on conversations with the people and smiled as he handed them their plates. A while later he walked out into the dining room and began asking the people if they enjoyed the food and how did it taste. I was so proud of him. He watches. He listens. He acts.
How I treat people is how he treats people. I am increasingly aware of this. There are a few choice words I use when I am irritated (not cuss words)...but words my momma would frown at ;)...I heard him using my language on his dog the other day and made a mental note. He watches and listens.
 |
| Serving the Chicken Salad |
 |
| Taking a break and using the left over pizza foil. He believes in recycling! |
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Just One More Tool....
Just when I think I have every tool I will ever need...I discover a new method or medium that I just have to have.
I enjoy working with metals and was intrigued by some leaves I saw in a magazine. They appeared etched but were actually stamped into the copper. So began my search to find out how this was done.
My task proved to be a challenge.
Some artists are tight lipped about their processes and others, like me, like to share, teach and learn. Finally, I found someone who was willing to spill the beans and I discovered that I would need a Rolling Mill. This tool is slightly expensive and will have to wait to join my tool family...but I will clear a place for it and save some copper for that day.
Art is always changing for me and that is why I often find the need to get a new tool. I think I am inspired by what is around me and what I am going through at any given time and sometimes the 'same old thing' won't work. "The right tools for the right job" so to speak.
Just like in my studio, when I think I have every tool I will ever need.... I can often feel like I 'have it all together' only to learn that life is always changing and that I may need to upgrade my personal tool box like learning how to relax, play more, laugh and breathe.
I enjoy working with metals and was intrigued by some leaves I saw in a magazine. They appeared etched but were actually stamped into the copper. So began my search to find out how this was done.
My task proved to be a challenge.
Some artists are tight lipped about their processes and others, like me, like to share, teach and learn. Finally, I found someone who was willing to spill the beans and I discovered that I would need a Rolling Mill. This tool is slightly expensive and will have to wait to join my tool family...but I will clear a place for it and save some copper for that day.
Art is always changing for me and that is why I often find the need to get a new tool. I think I am inspired by what is around me and what I am going through at any given time and sometimes the 'same old thing' won't work. "The right tools for the right job" so to speak.
Just like in my studio, when I think I have every tool I will ever need.... I can often feel like I 'have it all together' only to learn that life is always changing and that I may need to upgrade my personal tool box like learning how to relax, play more, laugh and breathe.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Every Girl Needs to Twirl
The dress skirt took over 100 squares of 8 different fabrics and the gathering of those squares...well...took some deep breathing. But it was worth it!
Ashli twirls and twirls in her dress and looks beautiful.
I don't twirl anymore...but maybe I should...
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